


Silence is the Loudest

by talliabram



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Suicide, This is really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 19:45:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1700318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talliabram/pseuds/talliabram
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The aftermath of the nogitsune leaves Stiles in a downward spiral, taking everything in his wake. </p>
<p>"Silence is the loudest parting word you never say"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silence is the Loudest

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to Maya for beta reading. You can find her on tumblr and AO3 as: Superwholock22. Trigger warnings below. I think I got them all, but if you disagree just let me know and I will add them ASAP.
> 
> The title comes from the song Amen Omen by Ben Harper.

_"I live a hundred lifetimes in a day._   
_But I die a little_   
_In every breath that I take._   
  
_Amen omen, will I see your face again?_   
_Amen omen, can I find the place within_   
_To live my life without you?_   
  
_I listen to a whisper,_   
_Slowly drift away._   
_Silence is the loudest,_   
_Parting word you never say._   
_I put -I put your world_   
_Into my veins_   
_Now a voiceless sympathy_   
_Is all that remains."_

The smile hadn’t reached Stiles’ eyes since Allison died. He and Derek had gone public shortly after because it didn’t make sense not to anymore. After Julia/Jennifer and the Alphas, they had been too worried to do anything that might break the quiet. Well, the quiet was long gone and they had nothing left to lose. A few days after they told everyone, Stiles moved in with Derek. The boy couldn’t handle the wary way his father watched him, and Scott said he didn’t blame him, but that didn’t stop Stiles from blaming himself every time he saw the despairing look in Scott’s eyes, and that made things difficult as it never really left.

Derek did what he could to subtly cheer Stiles up, but nothing really worked. They never talked about the Nogitsune, about the fear of getting his mother’s illness -which had quadrupled with the near miss, or about the fact that Stiles blamed himself for everything. Derek had suggested speaking to Morell, or any qualified adult, but Stiles always brushed if off, promising that he would be fine and offering to leave if it was bothering the other man. More than anything, Derek did not want to push Stiles away, so eventually he stopped bringing it up.

A couple months passed, and Stiles laughed more. He made more jokes, got more hours of sleep, and voluntarily left the house on occasion. He tried to pass it off as though he were getting better, but Derek could tell that he was just getting better at pretending. At the same time, he encouraged the pretending. He hoped that maybe, given enough time, the pretending would make way for something real. So he laughed at Stiles jokes, and provided ample chamomile, and was always willing to offer a ride that would doubtlessly be turned down.

On bad days, Derek would lie there and rub Stiles’ head, or cradle him in his arms. They would remain perfectly silent while Stiles stared into the distance, seemingly lost in time, with only Derek as a tether back to reality. They could remain like that for hours, Derek not even sure if Stiles was still present enough to know that he was there, but not willing to leave. Afterwards, they moved on as though nothing happened. Stiles refused to talk about it and Derek knew better than to push him for details.

What killed Derek the most, was that they were still in love. It was an abstract love, one that did not involve much talking or even touching, yet it was still present. He felt it just as strongly as he had in the beginning, when things had been tough but they battled through it and met in secret between chaotic moments, building up a trust and passion until the idea of being apart was practically painful. That love was still there, still moving between them and forcing them together, yet it hurt more now. There were things between them, and Derek could think of nothing to bridge the gap.

Derek was shocked when Stiles walked right up to where he was sitting eating breakfast, and kissed him. The kiss was passionate and urgent, yet forceful and deep. As though the world were burning down around them, but they still had nothing but time. When they finally broke apart, Derek looked into Stiles eyes and saw something new –hope.

“What was that for?” Derek asked with a smile.

“Can’t a guy kiss his boyfriend without having his motives questioned?” Stiles answered easily.

“Only if he promises to do it again.”

“Always leaven ‘em wanting more.” Stiles answered, this time his tone sounding a bit more constricted.

“Such a tease.” Derek gave a last-ditch attempt at humor, but it was clear the moment was gone.

“I’m going to go to the market, want anything?” Stiles hadn’t gone anywhere he might run into people for a while, so Derek was surprised to hear this. Rather than betray his astonishment he simply answered,

“Surprise me.” Stiles nodded instead of responding and Derek could see his jaw clenching and unclenching. He headed wordlessly to the door and for a moment Derek thought about stopping him, about pulling him into his arms and forcing him to feel something –but he decided against it. Stiles would probably be more annoyed than comforted and Derek would just end up feeling frustrated, it was better to just let him go and hope that maybe he would be feeling better when he got home.

After a few hours, Derek started getting worried. He dialed Stiles’ phone but heard it ring in the other room, eliminating that line of communication. Without any real hope, he dialed Scott and then the Sheriff. Each time he was met with a similar, “nope, haven’t heard from him in a while. Give him a hug for me.” Derek tried to talk himself into a calmer state, but as he replayed their last conversation the more off he realized it was. He eventually gave up and decided to get up and look for Stiles himself.

When Derek walked into his room to get keys, he found that his desk lamp was on and a white envelope was placed carefully on the center of his bed. He immediately recognized the handwriting as Stiles’ and tore the note free from its casing.

Dear Derek,  
I am an asshole. I am selfish and immature and you deserve so much better. I should have done this earlier, back before you were in too deep. But stupid me, can’t even die right. I cut my dad and Scott off early, knowing that any damage I did to them would be permanent unless I took immediate action. So I gradually pulled away. Little by little I stopped speaking to them, until eventually they stopped trying. I know it will still hurt, but at least this way they won’t have to adjust to life without me. I wish I could say the same for you, but I was too much of a coward to pull away from you like I did them.

I am so so sorry, Derek. But you are so strong, stronger than I ever was, so I know you’ll be ok. I was weak Derek. Allison and Scott, they were strong –too strong for the Nogitsune to take them. Not me, though. Not useless, human, Stiles. I was an easy target and because of that I put everyone at risk. Allison and Aiden are dead, Scott and Isaac are damaged beyond repair, and my dad and Melissa were nearly killed… all because I wasn’t strong enough.

So… here it goes… looks like one act of strength is all I’ll ever get. I want you to know that I have always loved you, from the moment I first saw you in that clearing. I love you enough to know that you’d be better off without me, so I’m finally setting you free. I only wish I didn’t have to hurt you in the process. The best thing you can do now is forget me, free yourself from the tangled knots I’ve spun you into and go forward. If you can’t do that, remember me as the spazzy, ridiculous kid you first met. I know I haven’t been him in a while, but he was who you really fell in love with.

I tried to think of someplace you wouldn’t miss, someplace that finding me in wouldn’t ruin forever, and only one place came to mind. I’m sorry to add one more body to the Hale house count, but hopefully I’ll be the last. Know that I love you more than anything, and I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger, also I’m sorry that there aren’t enough “sorry”s in the world to give you all that I owe. I hate goodbyes, but this one has to be said –Goodbye, Derek. You may not believe it, but this is for the best.

Love always,  
Stiles

Derek read the note as he sprinted to the car, tears flowing freely from his face and showing no sign of slowing. He didn’t remember pressing the buttons to call 9-1-1, only remembering fragments of what was said. He recalled that the woman on the other line told him to take some steadying breaths after he answered her seemingly endless list of questions about the victim’s name, age, history of mental illness, and so on.

“He can’t die, I love him.” The person on the other line said nothing in response.  
By some miracle combination of reckless driving and intuitive searching, Derek managed to find the body of his once love.

“Wake up, Stiles. Come on, buddy, you have to wake up. Help is on the way, just hold on.” And so it went, all the while with him knowing that the boy was never going to wake up –his body was already cold and an empty vile of morphine lay next to him accompanied by a clearly used syringe.

“Please, Stiles… Please don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to do this without you. You can’t leave… you promised me forever. Come back to me, Stiles. Come back…”

The paramedics found them a few moments later, gently extracting Stiles’ limp body from Derek’s clinging arms. They tried to comfort him, but they had been on the job long enough to know that the loved ones of suicide victims could rarely be consoled. So instead they offered to call someone for him, all the while zipping up 147 pounds of pale skin and fragile bone into a black body bag.

Derek wanted to scream at them, to tell them that there was not a bag strong enough to contain all the energy and life that was Stiles Stilinski… but he knew that the thing in the body bag was no longer Stiles. It was an empty shell and to say it was Stiles would be the same as calling a velvet box a diamond ring. A velvet box and ring that Derek would never get to offer Stiles.

And then Derek was angry. He was angry because Stiles had taken the future they had together. A future with a pack and maybe wolf cubs and hope that the Derek Hale vicious love cycle would end –and Stiles had just taken it. He was angry at himself for letting it happen, and at the Nogitsune for pushing Stiles to this, and Jennifer for putting Stiles in a position where he had to become vulnerable.

The anger gave way to numbness as he forced his wolf to take on the bulk of the emotion to hold himself together long enough to explain what had happened to the approaching Sheriff and Scott.

“I didn’t know… I’m sorry… I should have sensed something was off… I just didn’t think.” Derek spluttered but the Sherriff cut him off by pulling him into a tight hug.

“There was nothing you could have done, Derek. When that kid makes up his mind about something he’s as stubborn as… well, as I am.” Tears were falling from the Sherriff’s eyes, but his face maintained the same composure –learned from years on the force. Scott nodded beside him, clearly still in shock and looking as though he barely knew where he was, let alone what was going on.

“I still should’ve seen it.” Derek said, feeling the weight of another death on his guilty conscience. He was surprised that it was possible for him to feel the difference of another name, after all he couldn’t even count all of them using both hands.  
****

An incredible number of people showed up to Stiles’ funeral. The place was packed and there were people who were forced to wait outside due to lack of space. Derek tried to appreciate that Stiles had touched so many people, but instead he just felt the weight of all the lives that would never get to know the person lying in the casket.

Derek had heard that dead people looked as though they were sleeping, but none of the other funerals he had gone to had been open caskets. What startled Derek most of all upon seeing Stiles was how not asleep he looked. Stiles was notorious for his constant fidgeting, and sleeping was no exception. The body in the coffin was perfectly still.

In some ways, the stillness made it more bearable. Derek could almost pretend that the thing in the coffin had never been Stiles -after all it looked nothing like him. This illusion was shattered by the pictures of a laughing boy that were placed in various areas around the room, forcing Derek to remember the truth of the situation. The unmoving boy was Stiles, and he would remain that way –the laughing boy from the pictures was gone.

People gave speeches, but Derek hardly heard them. When Scott spoke, Derek could feel the mood in the room somehow becoming even more heartbreaking, but could process nothing beyond that. He was asked to say something but only made it a few steps before shaking his head and returning to his seat, only pausing to get a nod of understanding from the Sheriff.

Derek watched them lower the love of his life into the ground, a steady stream of tears falling relentlessly down his face. Across from him, Scott and Lydia held hands as they watched the second coffin containing a fallen friend being laid to rest. The Sheriff clutched an aluminum bat tightly in his hands and looked tempted to jump in after his son. Derek distantly recalled Stiles saying that death doesn’t happen to you, it happens to the people left standing at your funeral –the memory left a bitter taste in his mouth.

When the funeral was over, people slowly began to make their way out of the cemetery. Derek envied the way they could go back to their normal lives, albeit temporarily more morose than usual. He couldn’t help but think that none of them were damaged by this –none of them were going back to a newly empty home or feeling the true hole that Stiles left behind.

Eventually the Sheriff, Scott, and Lydia all left –each trying to convince Derek to do the same and failing. He waited for the funeral workers to place the headstone and then sat back against the cold rock, waiting for the sun to go down. When everything was dark and the world was quiet, Derek took out the syringe of wolfsbane and carelessly shoved it into his arm.

The moment he pressed the plunger, he felt his soul lift. There was no doubt, no questioning –he could not live without Stiles, so there was no point in trying. The location served as adequate suicide note, and he doubted many would be surprised by the turn of events.

It was only a few hours before the Sheriff found him, body lying against the stone, looking more peacefully than he had in as long as the Sheriff had known him. Scott gave a half-hearted howl when he heard the news, but in his heart he knew that something had been set right.

Derek’s grave was made next to Stiles’. For months, each one had fresh flowers every week. As more time passed, the visits became fewer and farther between, until eventually they all had to accept that the only people who should be visiting the graves were lying beside each other, and so they left them be –together in death as they had never truly been in life: a sarcastic fragile boy and a sourwolf in love.

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: Multiple character suicide, suicidal thoughts, depression.
> 
> Thanks for reading!!! Sorry it was so sad :(  
> If you want to follow me on Tumblr, you can find me at: keepcalmandraisechaos.tumblr.com
> 
> Feel free to (AKA PLEASEEEEE) request fics. Send me an ask or just write me a comment and I'd be more than happy to :)
> 
> For every comment/kudos a unicorn is born!
> 
> -Talli


End file.
